Ways of saying "NO"

We are in an EPIDEMIC of "BUSY" that is negatively impacting our deep health. Period.

It's NOT about pointing fingers and blaming YOURSELF or others...

It's NOT about RIGHT vs WRONG...

It's about YOUR reality AND ignorance. Yep! We're going there.

YOUR REALITY

Your reality can be WHATEVER YOU WANT IT TO BE. It's not cheesey to say - it's true. We've slowly created the "autopilot" and "socially acceptable" lifestyle that so many of us lead. BUT we ALWAYS have CHOICES beyond our own beliefs. THAT is your reality.

YOUR IGNORANCE

This is where we are NOT pointing blame, but trying to ADD to the REALITY of YOUR choices. We can be as busy as WE want to be! We're adults. We MAKE OUR OWN CHOICES. The IGNORANCE comes when we continue to complain about our "busy lives" and schedules, while complaining about all the NEGATIVES in our health and wellbeing... while continuing to CHOOSE BUSY and living the SAME WAY, every day without change. THAT is being ignorant to the OUTCOMES of our CHOICE OF BUSY.

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This is a common discussion that takes place today isn't it. What's the thing we hear most when we ask someone, "How you doing? How's things?" The response MOST of the time is "So busy!". It seems strange if someone DOESN'T say that today right?

Yet where has this got us? Are we healthier? Are we happier? Are we living in ways that "make us feel good most days"? No! We're going in the OTHER direction as a whole. We are NOT at fault for this. This is a societal issue. The world has changed SO RAPIDLY in SO MANY ways that we didn't have time to LEARN and ADAPT. We all got swept into the raging sea of "go-go-go" and "compare to EVERYONE, EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME". It's caused SO MANY of us to live lives we DON'T WANT and even a life that we didn't anticipate in some ways.

THE POSITIVE SIDE of this TRUTH

We KNOW more now. We've had time (since the smartphone entered our lives in 2007) to LEARN, EXPERIENCE and FIGURE out the impact of our lifestyle on our deep health. THAT is POSITIVE.

THE NEGATIVE SIDE...

The majority of us still run on "autopilot" and just go with "the norm". Out of ignorance? Fear of change? Our own cognitive distortions? Whatever the reason, we HAVE to be HONEST with ourselves that "the norm" (those health statistics heading in the wrong direction) are NOT something to "strive for" if we want to feel and experience positive lifestyle change!

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OVER-Committing and Busy means UNDER-Committing to YOURSELF

Let me remind you that we get caught in the "BUSY trap" and OVER committing ourselves BECAUSE WE DON'T practice saying NO. I don't mean saying NO all the time or being a jerk about it. I mean we DON'T say NO nearly enough to balance doing things we WANT to do with our OWN WELLBEING. PERIOD!

🤔 A client (who is retired, admittedly can't say NO and VERY good at booking herself to the limit) and I were chatting the other day, when she mentioned that when she looked at her calendar she has something nearly EVERY DAY between now (end of November) and December 22nd. This client misses group sessions due to "other commitments" and RARELY comes in feeling full of energy. This is NOT a coincidence.

She brought up the fact that it's ALL GOOD STUFF, but "it's alot". (We'll get to that shortly... )

🤔 I know a few parents (I think we all probably do now) who have themselves and their kids running the roads 6-7 days per week in sports, clubs, groups etc. They're all exhausted and grumpy. To add to that however, the parents complain that "it's the kids fault". Piling on more reality, neither the parents or the kids get to just "BE" most days. It's always "scheduled" things and little to no opportunity to play, relax, choose for themselves etc...

🤔 In the last couple years I've had people COMMIT and then BACK OUT last minute on group sessions. Which ended up either impacting the PLANNING and HOW the group worked OR completely CANCELLED the group entirely. The reason nearly EVERY TIME; "I didn't realize I had 'x' going on those days/nights..." or "I just figured out I'd miss half of the sessions..." I've had discussions with colleagues, personal friends and other business owners who experience the same thing as well.

For the points made here in this post, it's YOUR HEALTH that is SUFFERING by the lack of practice in saying NO and finding a BALANCE in your lifestyle.

Too Much of even "The GOOD stuff" can NEGATIVELY Impact our Deep Health

This is what we "forget" and/or are ignorant to - which is a MAJOR barrier to changing how we create our healthy lifestyles. When we fill our schedules and commit to TOO many things (even good) things, IT TAKES ENERGY. ENERGY that we only have so much of as HUMANS. Organizing, planning, travelling, scheduling, physically doing things, social interactions... ALL these things that are involved in our "busy-ness" USES ENERGY. "Good" or "Bad" stuff filling your days is IRRELEVANT in regards to energy. BOTH WILL DRAIN you. Which means - If we DON'T BALANCE that energy DRAIN with DOWN TIME / RECOVERY time, we can't REPLENISH our energy! And that's what happens when we say "YES" to WAY TOO MUCH!

I've encountered so many people in the past couple years who don't know where they're going, what they're even doing (in some cases) or where they need to be when because they have too much on the go. Which makes sense! If they're draining all their energy, with little to NO recovery to replenish, they're LITERALLY RUNNING on fumes. AND THEN they get confused. The mind becomes a jumbled pile of "stuff" and there's little to no energy to allow the mind to make sense of any of it!

LEARNING how to say "NO" for BALANCE and WELLBEING

I like using the example of my music hobby. Dad and I have been doing paid gigs in our area for a decade now. VERY quickly I learned that we can't take everything that comes our way even though we enjoy it. Why? Because it's NOT our job, we have other hobbies and life things we WANT to do, and we only have so much energy to do the things we CHOOSE to do. So we found a balance; 2-paid gigs per month. Technically that works out to every other week for 11/12 months of the year. It's forced us to say "No" to plenty of opportunities that would've most likely been a blast. But it's become easier as we practiced saying "No". It's a SKILL that needs to be practiced, like most things in our health and wellbeing to become better at. With that, it's put me (us) in CONTROL of OUR TIME and OUR ENERGY. This is a benefit of practicing saying "No" to create balance.

Like anything today, we live in an "All or Nothing" society. Our practice of "busy" proves it. We go ALL IN on exhausting ourselves, filling our days and every second with SOMETHING... with NO opportunity to SLOW down and recharge our batteries.

Therefore, without further adieu, let's take a look at some ways we can PRACTICE saying "NO" when we NEED to in order to create a healthier, balanced lifestyle for ourselves (i.e. More energy, more clarity, more happiness, more focus, more quality in what we choose to do etc...)

1) Set boundaries for yourself

Experiment with a number of events/commitments per week that you schedule for yourself in a way that makes your week still "breathable" for you (i.e. not feeling crammed, rushed or suffocating).

✔Then - STICK to that number for a few weeks.

✔After 3 weeks or so - RE-ASSESS how you feel. Are you thinking and speaking differently when people ask "how you're doing?". Adjust accordingly. Everyone is different.

With this, I like to approach it where the firsts opportunities that sound fun and exciting within my boundaries, I certainly say "YES" to. If others that make me feel the same way come about, but I've already committed to some, it's a "No". Even if it would be fun - I've ALREADY COMMITTED myself (time and energy) to enough.

2) Set boundaries with others

Don't be available at all times!! Just because we "can be" doesn't mean it serves our health and wellbeing. When you begin to live in this way (setting boundaries), you'll be amazed and increasingly aware at how the "always on" makes you feel when it happens early on in your practice. It makes you feel almost INSTANTLY anxious, stressed, frustrated, going in a million directions at once... It's fascinating and gross! Seriously. The cool thing is, as we practice NOT always being available, we more quickly and easily recognize the signs from our physiology if we get caught into that trap again (and we will, especially at first).

Part of this practice of setting boundaries with others is to have set time frames in your days when you're more accessible than others... and stick to them. (Eg: after 8pm you won't get me MOST nights/days. Clients know this, friends and family know this) Remember just because someone else CHOOSES to text you, doesn't mean you "HAVE to" CHOOSE to do the same at the moment. The issue arises when you DO that, over and over again. This creates the EXPECTATION from the other side. However, when you set these boundaries, the expectation is what you put out there; be it through words or action. When clients first start working with me, I tell them the same thing; "You can ALWAYS message me via text or email. Or leave a voicemail. Always. You'll NEVER bug me. Outside of working hours though you most likely won't get me. BUT I will ALWAYS get back to you ASAP the next working day." I stick to that. It works.

With friends or family, they know I may not get back to them right away - But I always do later that day or the next when I'm near my phone / it's convenient for ME to respond.

Schedule messages to be sent out later. I recently had a conversation with a client about this where she said "but it's not YOU sending the message then". I think she was serious? 🤔 Regardless, my argument stands that "YES IT IS ME". I'm not asking an A.I. to write and send a message later - I AM WRITING the message. BUT I'm scheduling it to SEND later;

1) So I don't forget...

2) So I protect MY TIME and ENERGY (boundaries)

These are tools that technology provides that CAN BE helpful in our daily routines and lifestyle, without draining us or negatively impacting our wellbeing.

3) Don't get pulled into "Something Else"

This is a form of saying NO that we may not consider often. A prime example is when "people lose emails or text messages". It's more often than not, NOT lost - it's been forgotten / overlooked. NOT on purpose! I fully believe that. However, in creeps that ignorance again. If we find that more people are saying to us "did you not get my message", it's probably a sign you're not even realizing you read/saw their message because you're being pulled into something else at the time. In other words "multi tasking" like you still live in the 1990's.

Here's how we can say NO (in a way) AND stay focused on the task at hand (mostly). Sometimes it happens that we're using our phone/device and a message pops through. If you happen to notice a text come in but are in the midst of doing something else on your phone or device, remind yourself you DON'T have to respond NOW... leave it! If you do stop what you're doing to read the message because you "just have to", DON'T reply just yet - Because you're doing something else right now!!! Practice getting in the habit of marking the message as "unread" so you won't forget!! This little tool within all of our technology can EASILY help us remember later to email or text the person back, while NOT getting pulled away from something else we were doing.

4) Find a scheduling practice that WORKS for YOU

I know a few people that still carry around an old fashioned, paper notebook agenda/calendar with them. Very cool. Others (like myself) use technology for scheduling. My reasoning (that works for ME) is that then I increase the chance I have access to it wherever I go. I have a work calendar in our software at the studio and we have a family/personal Google Calendar for all things and happenings within everyday family life. Other folks may use A.I. or voice assitants to simply talk to their smart watch or device and have it schedule things in your calendar for you. Whatever YOU choose is totally YOUR DECISION. But then we have to PUT IT INTO PRACTICE.

The PRACTICE is ...

1) Regularly scheduling things so things are easily accessible for you to remember and to get an overview of your days/weeks. It helps you if your calendar is looking quite full, to trigger the realization that taking on more may not be the best idea that day or week.

2) Regularly CHECKING your schedule/calendar so you know what's up and what's coming up. This is like any other habit. When it's "automatic" it's much easier because it takes little to no energy to do it. When something comes up that you WANT to do or a responsibility you NEED to do (eg: doctor's appt, dentist etc) practice the habit of checking your calendar BEFORE saying YES or NO.

This helps us say NO because we have perspective. As we practice this MORE, we learn how saying NO or YES to any number of things makes us FEEL. At which point we can make an informed decision whether or not that FEELING is GOOD or BAD for ourselves as individuals. Adjust accordingly.

5) If you don't want to do it - DON'T!

Maybe it's WISDOM as life moves on. Maybe it's EXPERIENCE from past "YES'". Maybe it's a better understanding the further into my career I go, the importance of ENERGY (in all forms) in our health. Life is too short to be going to parties, committing to things, volunteering or hanging with people you don't really want to do that with. I've had this discussion with clients where they elude to the fact that they have a get together with someone or an event to go to, but they "really don't want to". DON'T!

We often say "well, but we don't want to let the person down" maybe because they're a friend for example. But then my argument is always; "So you'd rather go do something with them you don't really want to do, and fake it (or lie) to them instead? Would they like that if they knew?"

Regardless, life is short. We COMPLAIN we're "too busy" but then we say YES to something we DON'T want to do?? How does that make sense when you think about it? We pile more STUFF into our days (good or not) and then when something somes along that we definitely DON'T want to do - we STILL say yes!?!?!? DON'T.

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The overarching theme here, that hopefully some of you have already caught onto, is that we have a CHOICE. ALWAYS. As an ADULT you get to make YOUR OWN CHOICES. Do yourself and health a favour;

☯Understand THAT fact.

☯Understand that like so much in health and lifestyle, saying NO is a SKILL and it requires PRACTICE. The more you do practice and gain experience in doing it, the easier it gets.

☯YOU are in control. Say YES. Say NO. Either way - YOU made the choice.

☯ACCEPT that an "All or Nothing" approach to your days (i.e. saying YES to most things) WILL CREATE an imbalance in your wellbeing.

LIFE NEEDS BALANCE. We all just need to practice finding OUR own personal BALANCE.